


A Lifetime of Longing

by xslytherclawx



Series: ô saisons, ô châteaux (ravenclaw au) [18]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Friendship, Gay Male Character, Jewish Character, Jewish Holidays, LGBT Jewish Characters, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, Pining, Regulus Black-centric, Weddings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:46:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28204074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xslytherclawx/pseuds/xslytherclawx
Summary: Regulus isn't sure whether he's ready to be out in the real world, but juggling his duties as Quidditch captain and Head Boy, and trying to figure out what's going on between himself and Max is enough for anyone to deal with.(Regulus's seventh year in Ravenclaw)
Relationships: Regulus Black & Maximus Scamander (OC) & Isaac Goldstein (OC)
Series: ô saisons, ô châteaux (ravenclaw au) [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1110843
Comments: 42
Kudos: 49
Collections: All Your Faves Are Jewish, ravenclaw au (xslytherclawx & thestias's harry potter multiverse), xslytherclawx & thestias's harry potter multiverse, xslytherclawx's jewish fic





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>   
> Did I want him to act? Or would I prefer a lifetime of longing provided we both kept this little Ping-Pong game going: not knowing, not-not-knowing, not-not-not-knowing? Just be quiet, say nothing, and if you can't say "yes," don't say "no," say "later." Is this why people say "maybe" when they mean "yes," but hope you'll think it's "no" when all they really mean is, _Please, just ask me once more, and once more after that?_
> 
> \- André Aciman, _Call Me By Your Name_ (1997)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Sorry for the delay; it's been a Time! But I'm back and updates should be coming regularly now!
> 
> The sixth year survey will be up for the next week! you can go through it [here](https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/KM2CPZF), if you haven't already!

Regulus stared blankly at the glittery invitation in his hand. Surely this was a joke. He had half a mind to owl Lily and ask. Or just head over to the Potters’. And to think, he’d half-expected to find his Hogwarts letter. But then they’d just gotten back from Hogwarts a week ago; it was probably too soon for that.

It wasn’t being invited to Lily Evans’s wedding that he thought was a joke, or even that she was marrying Potter. It was that the invitation was made out to  _ Regulus Black and Max Scamander. _ Not “Regulus Black and Guest”. As if Lily just  _ assumed _ he’d invite Max, when he and Dirk had really only just broken up. It hadn’t even been a full month! And Lily, of all people, knew that!

“What’s got you so distracted?” Max whispered, sliding in close, and Regulus only just managed to control himself. Max was his  _ best friend. _ So what if they were both gay and he sometimes thought there was a chance Max might actually maybe love him too, in the same way? 

He wasn’t about to ruin a perfectly good friendship just because he was completely fucking in love with him. And Max’s perpetual physical closeness was just a part of who he was. He did the same with Isaac, really.

“We’ve been invited to Lily and Potter’s wedding,” Regulus said, still looking at the glittery invitation.

> _ Regulus and Max,  _
> 
> _ You are cordially invited to the wedding of Lily J Evans and James F Potter. _
> 
> _ The wedding will be held at the Potter Estate on 18 August 1978. Please arrive promptly at 1 PM. _
> 
> _ Please RSVP by 15 July 1978, and let us know if you’d like chicken, fish, or a vegetarian meal! _
> 
> _ Lily Evans & James Potter _

“And RSVP means  _ répondez, s’il vous plaît. _ The  _ please _ is already in there.” Perhaps that was pedantic, but he was a Ravenclaw, wasn’t he?

“Well,” Max said, looking over Regulus’s shoulder. “They’ve picked the right date.”

“What?”

“It’s Tu B’Av,” Max said.

“Which one is that again?” Regulus knew most of the important holidays by now, but there were still some that he couldn’t quite place.

“Romantic holiday. Used to be a harvest festival. Lots of people get married on Tu B’Av, like my grandparents,” he added. “Mum says it’s a perfect day to fall in love.”

“You haven’t got to come with me,” Regulus said. “I know it’s made out to both of us, but…”

“You want to bring an actual  _ date _ ?” Max asked, as if Regulus could even begin to think of other men when they were shoulder-to-shoulder and he could smell that mad flowery shampoo Max always liked to use. Floral scents shouldn’t be attractive on men, Regulus knew, but on Max… they were.

“As if I would subject a near-stranger to that madness,” Regulus said instead. “But I don’t want to subject you to that, either, just because Lily’s, for some reason, made the invitation out to both of us.”

“I’d love to go,” Max said. “I’m sure I can find a set of dress robes.”

Oh, Merlin, the idea of Max in  _ dress robes _ … Regulus cleared his throat. “Great. I’ll write back, then. One chicken, one vegetarian.”

It fit, after all: a coward, and a wizard who didn’t eat meat.

* * *

“All right,” Sirius said, sipping on his beer at the pub he’d all but demanded Regulus meet him at. “You’re bringing Max to the wedding, yeah?” He spoke in French, as if this afforded them any additional protection in the very  _ Muggle _ pub.

“Yes,” Regulus said. “He’s my best friend, and it’s not as if I’d subject a near-stranger to the madness that that wedding is due to be.” He didn’t say that Lily had already made the invitation out to the both of them, even though he was fairly certain she’d gone in on it with Sirius, if it hadn’t been Sirius’s idea outright.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “It’s  _ me _ , you know. You can tell me you’re in love with him. I won’t tell.”

“I’m not i– he’s my  _ best friend _ !”

Sirius met Regulus’s gaze with an uncharacteristically piercing look. “Remus was mine.”

“But I’m not you,” Regulus said. 

“You want to get him to confess, then, because that’s easy. Just get yourself some nice,  _ impeccably tailored _ dress robes, maybe just a  _ little _ eyeliner to bring out your eyes… a nice haircut… get a little tipsy and bat your eyelashes at him, and I’m sure it’ll come right out.”

The idea was  _ incredibly _ tempting, and Regulus could just picture it now. But he shook his head. “I can’t. There’s too much to worry about.”

“Ah, yes, like the war that’s already personally impacted our lives.” Sirius took another sip of his beer. “Reg, any of us could die at any moment. Would you really rather one of you die without knowing?”

“We’re  _ both _ carefully neutral.”

Sirius laughed at that. “You’re having a pint with your  _ blatant _ blood traitor brother in a  _ Muggle _ pub, you’ve been blasted off the family tree for being a homosexual  _ and _ for running away, and you live under  _ Newt Scamander’s  _ roof. There’s nothing  _ neutral _ about you, little brother.”

“I still write Narcissa,” he said. “And she writes back.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “You’re going to a Muggleborn’s wedding. With Newt Scamander’s son. You know he doesn’t like the Scamanders because of what they did to Grindelwald.”

Regulus didn’t respond, and merely took a sip of his own beer.

“Reg,” Sirius said. “I know you’re scared, but… I guarantee you that Max feels the same way. And it’s… unbelievable, being able to be with that person.”

Regulus didn’t dignify that with a response. Sirius probably thought Max had feelings for him because he didn’t realise that’s how Max was with  _ all _ of his friends. And Regulus wasn’t his brother, besides. He wasn’t stupid or reckless enough to risk it.

“At least promise me if  _ he _ makes a move, that you’ll go out with him.”

“He won’t,” Regulus said.

“But if he  _ does _ …”

“Fine.” It was, after all, the only way to change the subject. While Max could be distracted pretty easily… if his  _ brother _ got on a topic, there was no getting him off of it. “So what should I expect from this wedding?”

“The Order, of course, half of Gryffindor house, all of James’s family, probably none of Lily’s.”

Regulus winced. “You’re sure her sister won’t come?”

“James went with her to her sister’s wedding… I don’t think she’ll come. They’re what Mum and Dad think all Muggles are, according to James.”

Regulus pulled a face. “Lily is absolutely lovely, though.” She was inexplicably marrying  _ Potter _ , so there had to be  _ something _ wrong with her, but… Regulus had thought rather a well-placed Confundus. Or maybe just that Gryffindor sort of recklessness. He didn’t think it really said much about her moral character; he’d always known Lily to be kind and compassionate.

“Lily is an  _ angel _ . James wouldn’t deserve her in a million years. Her sister, from what I’ve been able to piece together, was jealous that Lily’s a witch and she’s not.”

Regulus wondered, if he’d been a Squib… but then he wouldn’t have had a chance to grow resentful. When his Hogwarts letter didn’t come, he’d have been sent off to live among the Muggles, and probably had his memory modified for good measure. “So she’s missing her sister’s wedding because of some petty jealousy?” Regulus asked.

Sirius shrugged. “Maybe she’ll show. It’d be fun to see how  _ Muggle _ she really is.”

“Says the one who picked a Muggle pub.”

“Oh, I like plenty of Muggle things,” Sirius said. “But I don’t like people who turn their backs on their only family just for being different. And if those people happen to be Muggles, I don’t see the harm in skirting the lines of the Statute.”

“You’re going to ruin your best friend’s wedding.”

Sirius grinned. “Nah, I won’t. Remus’ll stop me.”

That wasn’t particularly reassuring, because Remus was nearly as bad as Sirius, and they both knew it.

* * *

After some more careful prodding from Sirius, Regulus found himself at Twillfit and Tattings with some of the gold his Uncle Alphard had left him, getting a new set of dress robes. 

He hadn’t  _ been _ to Twillfit and Tattings since moving in with the Scamanders, as the Scamanders preferred to do their shopping at Madame Malkin’s, and Regulus  _ certainly _ hadn’t been about to ask to go somewhere more expensive when the Scamanders had taken him in out of the kindness of their hearts.

This, however, was his own money, and maybe he was being stupid by spending so much on a set of dress robes for this wedding. Lily was his friend, to be sure, but she’d never been his  _ best _ friend, and he’d never particularly cared for James Potter (although… Regulus rather thought that Max would have been unsuccessful in getting him out of Grimmauld Place without James Potter’s help – but it wasn’t as if he was about to admit that!).

He was getting one of the sleeves pinned when the door chime sounded and Narcissa Malfoy walked in.

Regulus felt his heart catch in his chest. He knew, really, that Narcissa wasn’t supposed to speak with him – he was a blood traitor and a homosexual and he’d  _ run away _ – and exchanging letters was different from speaking face-to-face.

But Narcissa looked right at him and smiled. “Regulus,” she said warmly. “It’s been far too long, darling. How  _ are _ you?”

Regulus let out a breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding in. “I’m… I’m well. Starting seventh year in September…”

“Those aren’t school robes,” Narcissa observed.

Regulus looked down to his dress robes and back to his cousin. “No. I’m… going to a wedding next month.”

“I wasn’t aware of any weddings,” Narcissa said, as she stepped up on the podium next to his and a small witch began fitting her.

“It’s… Sirius is the best man…”

Narcissa hummed. “James Potter’s wedding, then? I’m told Dorea’s son refuses to marry… Charlus and Fleamont were the only ones to have sons… that line will die out, too.”

Marrying a Muggleborn wasn’t letting the line die out, but Regulus knew better than to protest that. “Ours will, too,” he said.

“Oh, I’m  _ well _ aware of that,” Narcissa said. “Even if you and your  _ brother _ weren’t disowned. I’ve always known.”

That caught him off-guard. “What… what do you mean by that, Cissa?”

Narcissa turned to look at him. “Honestly, Reggie, I’m not  _ stupid _ . I know I might not have been a  _ Ravenclaw _ , but I’m quite clever. Oh, for a while I thought you might be willing to marry a witch and have an heir just to carry on the family name… but then you were Sorted.”

“It wasn’t… it wasn’t when I was sorted into Ravenclaw,” Regulus said. He’d been willing to do his parents’ bidding until he’d made the decision to leave, and that had been nearly five years later.

“It was,” Narcissa said. “You weren’t going to be surrounded by people who would pressure you to do what was best for the family. And I’ve always known about you and Sirius. I think your mother did, too. That’s why she was so hard on him.”

“What about me?”

“She underestimated you,” Narcissa said. “She thought if she was halfway decent to you that you’d do her bidding. She should have realised that you getting sorted into Ravenclaw was a wake-up call to be kind… but then, I doubt Aunt Walburga has a kind bone in her body.”

“What would you have done, in her place?” Regulus asked.

“I, for one, fully intend to  _ love _ my children,” Narcissa said. “If they decide to shirk their responsibility of marrying another pureblood and continuing the line… I’d be disappointed, of course, but I like to believe that I would support their desires. I  _ certainly _ wouldn’t disown my children.”

“Oh,” Regulus said.

“I’ve always loved you, Reg. Would’ve loved Sirius, too, if he’d allowed it. And while I can’t quite have you over for tea until this war is over… I do hope you’re very happy with the Scamander boy.”

“Wh– I’m not– Max is my  _ best friend _ , Cissy…!”

“And that’s why you’re getting those very tight dress robes.” She looked at herself in the mirror. “You mention in him in every letter.”

“He’s a Half-Blood,” Regulus said, “why would you want me happy with a  _ Half-Blood _ ?”

Narcissa arched one perfect eyebrow. “Do you have any idea how difficult it is to have a child with another man? It’s very complicated magic, and I’ve heard from reliable sources that it requires an artificial womb… I know money likely won’t be an issue, with who his parents are, but it’s quite tedious, and I rather don’t think you particularly  _ want _ to have children. He’s a wizard, at least, and not a Mudblood. Besides…  _ his _ parents took you in, and that was after he made every effort to befriend you after you were sorted.”

He should have known Narcissa had been keeping an eye on him when they’d both been at school, and the fact that he hadn’t  _ noticed _ made him feel foolish.

“Regulus, darling… love isn’t logical. If it were… I wouldn’t have fallen for a Malfoy. I’d have gone for someone with a history closer to ours.”

It was an open secret that Malfoys didn’t burn off their blood traitor relatives who went off and conjugated with Muggles… and while that hadn’t happened since Grindelwald had come to power, it did make one question the purity of their blood. If you believed in such things… which Regulus rather thought he didn’t. He hadn’t for a long time.

“Am I so easy to read?” Regulus asked instead of voicing those thoughts.

Narcissa smiled. “Perhaps not to everyone… but you must remember that we grew up together. I’ve always thought myself rather intuitive, besides. I don’t understand it, what you’ve done, and I’m not sure I support all of it… but we’re still blood, and I want you to be happy.”

“...Thank you,” Regulus said, unsure of what else to say.

Narcissa looked him over. “Oh, you look quite dashing in that. Those must be very expensive…” Something changed in her expression. “I daresay I’m a few years behind on Christmas and birthday presents…”

“Cissy, I couldn’t possibly…”

“Nonsense,” Narcissa said. “I insist. It isn’t as if Lucius pays any mind to how much money I spend.” She turned to the nearest shopwitch. “Please put Mr. Black’s dress robes and any accessories on the Malfoy tab.” She caught Regulus’s expression next. “No arguments, Reg.” 

And so Regulus walked out of Twillfit and Tattings with a new set of exquisite dress robes, and his pockets none the lighter. He could have afforded them, and he was sure Narcissa knew that...but it had been an act of affection from his favorite cousin, and it gave Regulus some hope that maybe, one day, after the war, things could reach some sort of new normal.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regulus attends Lily and James's wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The year six survey is closed - the results will be up on my tumblr shortly; I'll include a link when I do post them!

The morning of Lily’s wedding to Potter started, really, like any other. He woke up alone in his bed, checked the clock, wanked a bit, took a shower, went downstairs for breakfast (which he prepared himself, though Newt was sitting at the table, writing into a notebook – he’d declined food when Regulus offered), ate, washed his dishes, and then went to sit on the sofa with a book.

Max came down about an hour later, and joined him on the sofa shortly thereafter. They both had plenty of time to get ready for the wedding, after all.

Regulus hadn’t anticipated Sirius apparating into the Scamanders’ living room on the morning of James and Lily’s wedding, but that was mostly because he’d remembered to remind Tina to fix the Floo the summer before. 

Sirius had a slightly manic look in his eyes when Regulus looked up from his book, still settled nicely on the sofa where he’d sat since breakfast. Max was sat on the other end of the sofa, and if their legs were a tangled mess… well, it was just how they did things. It didn’t  _ mean _ anything.

“Is something wrong?” Regulus asked. Perhaps Lily had realised what she was about to do and had run off. He certainly wouldn’t blame her if that were the case. He couldn’t imagine anyone in their right mind – let alone someone as brilliant and clever as Lily – would actually  _ want _ to marry Potter.

“On the contrary!” Sirius said. “Remus and Peter are helping James get ready… James said I was making him more nervous than he already was… so I’m here to help  _ you _ get ready!”

Regulus’s gaze darted to the clock on the wall. “It’s… not for hours yet.”

“Oh, I know,” Sirius said. “But by the time you’d be getting ready to leave, my services would be needed elsewhere.”

Regulus considered his options. He could refuse, and try to convince his brother to leave, or he could concede and  _ maybe _ get out of putting on his dress robes before it was time to leave. He knew which one would be less stressful, and, unfortunately, it wasn’t the one that allowed him to keep reading.

He sighed and marked his page. “If I’m not back down in an hour,” he told Max,  _ “please _ come rescue me.”

Max smiled. “Will do.”

It took a few seconds to disentangle his legs from Max’s and stand. Sirius smirked all the while, but then Regulus grabbed his brother by the arm and led him upstairs to his room.

“Do you always sit with Max like that?” Sirius asked, examining the bedroom. 

It occurred to Regulus that the only time Sirius had seen his room here was to tell him that Uncle Alphard had died last summer. He hadn’t really had a chance to look it over before, and Regulus knew how different his room here was from his room at their parents’ house.

The only similarity between this room and the one in Grimmauld Place was the relative tidiness and organisation.

“We both like sitting on the sofa,” Regulus said, although it was a weak defence. He knew he’d never sit on a sofa with Isaac like that.

Sirius laughed. “Merlin, you are an absolute gay  _ disaster _ , you know that, Reg? You’re lucky your big brother has more experience in these sorts of things.” His gaze went to the wardrobe. “Show me your dress robes.”

Regulus heaved a sigh and did as his brother said. The sooner he got this over with, the sooner he could get back to his book. He knew Sirius too well to think refusing him would do anything more than prolong the inevitable.

Sirius examined the robes and let out a low whistle. “Twilfit and Tattings? That had to cost a pretty penny.”

“Narcissa paid for them,” Regulus admitted, going to sit on his bed and feeling like a child all over again.

“ _ Narcissa?” _ Sirius snapped.

Regulus shrugged. “She happened to come in during my fitting and she insisted on paying.”

“Reg…”

“What? I even told her they were for Lily and Potter’s wedding! She was… really quite nice about everything.”

Sirius scoffed. “When has she ever been  _ nice?” _

“She’s always been nice to  _ me _ ,” Regulus said. “She knows I’m gay, too. And she even… she knows about Max.” Because there was no point in denying his feelings, anymore, at least not to Sirius, who knew how to read him better than most people.

“And she…  _ still _ bought you dress robes?”

Regulus shrugged again. “I’ve no idea why. But she said… she always knew. About me, and about you, too.” He didn’t tell Sirius that he and Narcissa had kept up correspondence; there was no point to it. It would only annoy him.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Well, yeah, we all  _ knew. _ Surprised she didn’t agree with Mum after all that.”

He thought his brother was giving Narcissa too little credit; she’d always been soft where Regulus was concerned. He was fairly certain at this point that his mother wasn’t capable of love. “She said you can’t help who you love, and that Mum didn’t have a kind bone in her body.”

Sirius gave a short laugh at that, dry and humourless. “Well, she was right about that much.”

“She said it didn’t matter if I was with a Half-Blood, because… I probably won’t be having any children, anyway.” Though, truthfully, Regulus rather thought that even if he  _ could _ easily have children – even if he were bisexual or even straight – he wouldn’t do it; he didn’t trust himself to be a good parent. Not after his childhood.

“How very progressive of her,” Sirius said. “I’m sure you didn’t tell her about Cresswell.”

“Why would I tell her about  _ him?” _ Regulus asked. There was a limit to Narcissa’s kindness and tolerance, even where Regulus was concerned. “She might  _ love _ me, but she still thinks our parents are right about all the blood purity nonsense. She referred to Potter marrying Lily as the  _ end of the Potter family line.” _

“Now  _ that _ sounds like the Narcissa I know,” Sirius said with a snort. “You had me worried for a moment.” He sat down next to Regulus and pulled out a small stick from his pocket that Regulus had a sinking feeling was makeup. “You stay very still and Max won’t be able to look away from your eyes all night.”

Regulus did as he was told, because he knew that that was the easiest way to deal with Sirius when he got like this. After his eyes had been effectively made up, Sirius turned his attention to Regulus’s hair. “You’re not really going to wear your hair like that, are you?”

* * *

After  _ much _ torture (Regulus didn’t think it could even generously be called anything else), Max rapped on the door, and Sirius yelled, “Just a minute! Almost done!”

“You can come in,” Regulus called, even though it made Sirius roll his eyes and hiss,  _ “Gay disaster.” _

Max opened the door. His eyebrows shot up at the mess. “It’s been an hour. Are you wearing  _ makeup?” _

“Sirius insisted,” Regulus said.

“Eyeliner is very  _ in,” _ Sirius said. “All the greats do it… Freddie Mercury… David Bowie… Mick Jagger… Steven Tyler…”

“Are we… meant to know who those people are?” Max asked, still standing awkwardly in the doorway. Regulus shot him a pleading look and Max came over to sit on the bed.

“They’re only some of the most dynamic and talented musicians of all time!” Sirius cried.

_ Muggles, _ Regulus mouthed while Sirius’s back was turned. Max nodded.

“And how’ve you managed to make such a mess of Reg’s room in an hour?”

“It’s a talent,” Regulus said. “I shudder to think about his room at home.”

“Oh, shove it; your dress robes are still hung up, aren’t they?”

“He’s on about accessorising,” Regulus told Max. “I think he’s trying to avoid some of his best man duties… like maybe dealing with Lily’s terrible sister?”

Sirius froze. “She… look, James and I… we know she’s not coming.”

“And you think accessorising me will prevent you from having to deal with that?” Regulus asked.

“And didn’t I do an excellent job?” He looked pointedly at Max. “Don’t you think, Max?”

Max took in Regulus’s eyeliner and hair and nodded, his cheeks tinged slightly pink. Surely Regulus was imagining that, though. Or maybe he just thought the eyeliner looked ridiculous.

“My baby brother… all grown up…” Sirius wiped an imaginary tear from his eye.

Regulus couldn’t take it anymore. He grabbed his pillow and threw it at his brother. “Go back to Potter’s. Be his best man.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Fine, fine, I can see when I’m not wanted. Don’t forget to use lube, kids!” 

“Oh  _ sod off!”  _ Regulus shouted after him.

Sirius grinned as he disapparated. Regulus couldn’t believe he had to see him again in just a few hours. With Max as his date (or, rather, not date), for that matter.

“I can see why you moved in here,” Max said after a few seconds. “That was just an  _ hour.” _

“I love him,” Regulus said, “but there is  _ no way _ I could stand to live with him.”

“...You do look good, though. I have to give him that much.”

Regulus did his very best not to blush at that.

* * *

At half-past twelve, Regulus and Max apparated to the Potter Estate (well, Max apparated, as Regulus was not  _ quite _ yet seventeen, and brought Regulus along with him sidealong). Regulus had had to  _ try _ not to stare at Max, who wore  _ very _ fetching dress robes in dark blue and bronze. He’d claimed that he was supporting his House in an estate full of Gryffindors, but Regulus had always noticed how their House colours brought out Max’s blue eyes, and even the red tones in his hair.

He was going to be in  _ so much _ trouble if he couldn’t get hold of himself. 

Sirius greeted him at the gate by slinging an arm around his shoulder. “There’s the Head Boy!”

And Regulus had actually thought Sirius hadn’t found out. He hadn’t told anyone but the Scamanders and Isaac. He didn’t think any of them would have told Sirius, which only served to make him more suspicious.

“I didn’t tell him,” Max said.

“Dumbledore did,” Sirius said. “Said I should be proud of my swotty baby brother… and I am, of course.” Regulus had a feeling that hadn’t been Dumbledore’s exact words, but he felt unsettled all the same.

“I don’t know that I like that Dumbledore is going on about me when I’m not there,” Regulus said, trying to worm out from his brother’s grasp. He was still trying to get away when Remus Lupin found them.

“Merlin, Padfoot,” Remus said, “did you really have to put eyeliner on your brother?”

“Moony, listen,” Sirius said, at once stopping the struggle and letting Regulus go. “I was  _ bored _ , and he looks kind of like Mick Jagger now, doesn’t he?”

“You know I think both you and your brother are rather more handsome than Mick Jagger…” Remus said, and Regulus pulled a face and looked to Max. “I’ve never understood your obsession with the man.”

“Because he’s  _ cool, _ Moony. It’s not my fault I’ve got the only boyfriend in the world who doesn’t see his appeal.”

Regulus took his brother’s bickering with his boyfriend as an opportunity to slide past them (making sure Max came along, of course), and into the backyard. 

There was a canopy set up, and… rather fewer chairs than Regulus had anticipated. Sirius had made it out to sound like some big event, but there, in the Potters’ large backyard, it looked to be a very small and intimate affair.

There was a hand-lettered sign levitating just before the seating area.

_ Pick a seat, not a side. _

Regulus rolled his eyes in spite of himself. He loved Lily, but this was a bit much, even for her. “What do you think, Max? Order members and Muggles, or Order members and Potters?”

Max laughed, and  _ Merlin, _ Regulus had it bad. “I think either’s fine.”

* * *

Regulus had only been to two weddings before, and while he was certain that there had been certain elements to Narcissa’s wedding to Lucius Malfoy, and to David Goldstein’s wedding, too, that Lily Evans and James Potter would never emulate… this was  _ strange. _ They had a wedding canopy, like David and Cassandra had had, although the canopy itself was scarlet and gold, and the officiant was a Ministry official, not a rabbi. Regulus had seen enough rabbis and Ministry officials by now to know the difference.

Max seemed to think the whole event was a bit strange, too.

“Do Muggles not wear white on their wedding day?” Max asked in a whisper at the sight of Lily in an admittedly flattering emerald wrap-around dress.

“It looks like a Muggle dress,” Regulus said. He knew high-end dress robes, and that was not what Lily Evans wore. All the same, it didn’t look like anything he’d seen Muggles wear before, either.

Sirius and Potter, thank Merlin, had the sense to wear dress robes. Lupin did, as well, although his were rather shabbier than his friends’. Peter Pettigrew appeared to be wearing some sort of Muggle suit. Hadn’t Sirius said that Lupin was the one with the Muggle parent?

Lily wore a simple circlet of roses and daisies atop her head, and it was jarring enough to distract Regulus from the look on Max’s face, at least temporarily. He remembered Narcissa’s elaborate updo, and thought about how she’d scoff at Lily’s loose hair and flower crown. Regulus had to admit, though, that it suited her, somehow, in its simplicity.

Where, at Narcissa and Lucius’s wedding, the officiant had read some passages about the importance of duty and family and continuing the family line… and where, at David Goldstein’s wedding, the rabbi had read their marriage contract out in what Max had clarified was  _ Aramaic _ and not Hebrew, and Isaac and another select few had gone up to read Hebrew blessings… James Potter and Lily Evans had written their own vows, and recited them under the canopy.

What exactly they were, Regulus wasn’t entirely sure, as Max laced his fingers through Regulus’s just a few seconds after Lily began to talk, and it took all of Regulus’s concentration to look like he was paying attention to the wedding and  _ not _ to how soft and warm Max’s hand was, or how it seemed to fit perfectly with his. 

This, in and of itself, wasn’t even anything new; Regulus couldn’t  _ count _ the number of times Max had held his hand before.

But here, watching his friend marry his brother’s best friend, when the whole school knew he’d pined after for years… Max’s hand in his felt  _ different. _ He had half a mind to kiss Max right then and there… but he restrained himself.

He wasn’t about to make a scene at a wedding  _ and _ ruin his friendship with his best and oldest friend.

He heard the pop of the glass being shattered, and looked up in time to see Lily kiss Potter. And, well, she  _ did _ look happy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Lily's wedding reception.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay; meant to post yesterday, but a migraine hit me out of nowhere. for that reason, the survey summary also isn't quite done yet!

The reception wasn’t much better. Regulus watched on as Remus Lupin took photos of the newlywed couple, and rolled his eyes as his brother snuck his way into a few of them, laughing like mad.

People came up to him and actually seemed to  _ know who he was _ , and not just as “you’re Sirius’s brother, right?” (which, to be fair, was how a fair few people addressed him). He saw Dirk, and their eyes met for all of two seconds before Dirk turned away. Really, what had happened with Dirk was all the more reason not to get involved with Max; Regulus didn’t know that he and Dirk could  _ ever _ be friends again after their breakup.

Mary was there, and introduced him to a young man about their own age with dark blond hair, brown eyes, and freckles. He could tell who he was before Mary even introduced him. “This is my brother, Christopher. Chris, these are my friends Regulus and Max, from school.”

Regulus shook Mary’s brother’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too,” Christopher said. “And you’re both wizards? Are your families like ours, or…?”

“We’re both from wizarding families,” Max said. “My maternal grandmother was a Muggleborn, though, like Mary. Well –  _ not _ like Mary, because she was an Orthodox Jew, but… well, anyway, I think everyone in Reg’s family except his cousin’s husband has been from a wizarding family.”

“So was this – a normal wizard wedding?”

“Oh, no,” Max said. He turned to look to Regulus. “At least not like any I’ve ever been to.”

“Definitely not,” Regulus agreed.

“I mean, there were some elements of a Jewish wedding – Lily’s Jewish – but not all of them. It wouldn’t be, like, halachically viable.” He pulled a face. “Oh, god, now I sound like Isaac.”

“Isaac said he didn’t get an invitation,” Mary said.

“Well, Reg’s invitation  _ was _ made out to both of us – though I’ve known James Potter since I was probably five or six. I know. It’s a tragedy.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “Isaac didn’t mention an invitation to me, but he’s never liked James, so I doubt he’d have come if he had been invited.” Though Regulus rather thought if Mary had asked Isaac to come with her, he wouldn’t have refused.

“Why doesn’t he like James?” Mary asked.

“James was a prick to him when we were kids,” Max said. “Isaac’s never quite got over it. And then throw in on top of that that Isaac – like everyone else at school who’s remotely into girls – definitely was mad for Evans for ages… yeah, Reg’s right. He wouldn’t have come.”

“Isaac was mad for Lily?” Mary asked.

“I mean,” Max said. “He’s mad for you, mostly, now. I mean, that is, from what he’s said after – y’know, everything at the end of last year.”

“I  _ am _ sorry if I put a damper on things between the two of you,” Regulus said.

“Nonsense,” Mary said. “You didn’t do anything of the sort. If I’m honest, I’m still rather cross with you for not  _ telling _ either of us that you were in such a terrible place beforehand. We’re  _ both  _ of us your friend, you know.”

“You and Isaac were obviously mad for each other. I wasn’t about to do anything to spoil it.”

“She’s not shut up about him all summer, you know,” Christopher said. “It’s quite annoying, really.” Mary elbowed her brother in the ribs, but he grinned. “I’m sort of disappointed he’s not here, to be honest with you. I quite wanted to meet him.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’d love to meet you, too,” Max said. Regulus sort of anticipated some comment about Isaac’s sexuality, but it didn’t seem to be forthcoming. Instead, Max said, “Though, Mary, really, I’m surprised you didn’t ask him to come with you.”

Mary blushed. “I dunno; that just seemed sort of official.”

“Reg and I are here together,” Max said.

Mary didn’t seem to have anything to add to that. Regulus wasn’t sure how that made him feel.

* * *

Lily pulled Regulus aside not long after.

“Congratulations,” he said. “You look lovely. The ceremony was lovely.”

“Thank you,” Lily said. She was practically glowing. “How has your summer been? I’m sorry we haven’t been in touch more.”

“Sirius has kept me informed of the  _ general _ sense of what you’ve been doing.”

Lily laughed. “It’s not as if James and I shag  _ all _ the time.”

“Oh, it’s not just that,” Regulus said. “Sirius has a big mouth. As you well know.”

“I do,” Lily agreed. “Though he’s surprisingly close-lipped when it comes to you and Max.”

“That’s because there’s nothing  _ between _ me and Max.”

“Oh, come off it,” Lily said. “You two haven’t professed your undying love for each other yet?”

“Hardly,” Regulus said. “If you haven’t noticed, Dirk dumped me barely two months ago.”

“I noticed,” Lily said. “I also noticed Max looking at you like he’d like to do little more than tear your clothes off and shag you senseless.”

He was? No; surely Lily was imagining things. She was just so happy from her own wedding that she was seeing things where there was nothing. “He hasn’t been.”

“Yes, he has,” Lily said. “What was it you said last year? There was as much of a chance as you marrying Max as there was of me marrying James?”

“You haven’t really gone through with all of this and marry Potter just to push Max and I together, have you?”

“Don’t be daft,” Lily said. “Of course not! I love James. Honestly. I do. I know that might seem hard to believe, but you know what they say. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.”

“Potter might be an arse, but he’s not a terrible enough person to feed you a love potion, so unfortunately, I’m inclined to believe that.”

Lily laughed. “He’s not  _ so _ bad. He’s spent a while trying to improve himself, and – you know he really does try to do the right thing.”

“I know,” Regulus said.

“Listen,” Lily said, glancing over to where Max was still talking with Mary and her brother. “I know you love him, and  _ you _ must know by now that he feels the same way. I know it’s terrifying. I know it is. But he loves you, and he’s just as terrified as you are. Nothing’s going to change if both of you are too terrified to make a move, and that’s the truth.”

“Nothing changing isn’t the death sentence you seem to think it is,” Regulus said. “Nothing changing is safe.”

“So you’d be happy watching him marry another man? Never getting to kiss every inch of him or wake up next to him after a night of  _ fantastic _ sex? Never get to introduce him as your boyfriend or come home to him after a long day at work? Always knowing that there’s every possibility that things would have worked out the way you wanted them to if you’d just told him how you feel?”

Of course he wouldn’t be happy. But it was better than getting his heart broken (again!), and risking the most important person in the world to him. He loved Max so much that the fear of losing him outweighed anything else.

“He loves you, too. In the same way you love him. He  _ wants _ to marry you, someday. He wants to kiss you, have sex with you, wake up next to you, come home to you, and tell the whole world you’re his boyfriend. Everyone knows it.”

“Lily, I’m very happy for you, but I’d appreciate it if you’d stop trying to meddle in my love life. Dirk  _ just _ broke up with me two months ago, and – I don’t want to get my heart broken all over again, all right?”

“All right,” Lily said. “I’ll back off. But I do want you to be happy; you’re my friend, and you’ve spent far too much of your life miserable.”

“I appreciate it,” Regulus said. “Really, I do. And I am happy for you.”

“Thank you,” Lily said. “I’ll let you get back to him, hm?”

“Thanks,” Regulus said. He leaned in to kiss her cheek. “You really do look lovely. I hope Potter knows just how lucky he is.”

“Oh, he does. I make sure of it. Max, on the other hand…”

“It’s been wonderful to catch up. I think Mary wanted to say hello to you, so I’ll let you get to her.”

Lily smiled. “Honestly, Reg; it’s a matter of time.”

He hoped she was right, but he watched her go find Mary. He spotted Max sitting at one of the tables and sat down next to him. Max kissed him on the cheek in greeting.

“I got your meal for you,” Max said.

Regulus loved him so much. “Thanks.”

“Of course.”

“Is this seat taken?” someone asked. He looked up to see Dorcas Meadowes, a fellow Ravenclaw who had been a year ahead of him in school. She was smiling.

“Not at all,” Max said.

That was another odd thing – no set place settings. Regulus didn’t have much opportunity to ponder it further, as Dorcas was smiling at him – and at Max, and at their closeness.

“All right?” she asked, sitting down across from them. “You two’ve finally gotten together, then?”

Regulus nearly choked on his chicken, and Max mumbled a quick,  _ anapneo _ and Regulus was able to breathe again. 

“Does everyone think we have?” Max asked with the same sort of idle curiosity typically reserved for inquiring if there was any pudding left,  _ not _ people thinking you’ve gone off and started shagging your best friend.

“Everyone but Sirius, who thinks you’re both, and I quote, ‘too dense to sort it out’.” So much for a vote of confidence, his brother.

_ “Everyone?” _ Regulus heard himself asking.

Dorcas nodded. “Oh, absolutely. We had a betting pool going on back at school, you know. Me and your brother and Emmeline and Isaac. And Dirk Cresswell, too.”

Max’s eyebrows shot up at the last name. “God, Reg, you must’ve done a number on Dirk…”

_ “He _ broke it off with  _ me,”  _ Regulus said. Although perhaps he should have tried to be a little less obviously in love with his best friend, now that he thought on it. Especially since  _ everyone _ , apparently, claimed to know.

“He was in before you two got together,” Dorcas said. “You and Cresswell, that is.”

Regulus didn’t want to think about what that meant, so instead, he asked, “What’s this about Isaac?”

“Oh, he reckons you’re too  _ stubborn _ to do anything about it until the war’s over. Insists it won’t happen without copious firewhisky, too. Says you’re both too wrapped up in your own anxieties.”

That sounded a bit too close for comfort for Regulus. “And Sirius?”

“He says by the end of the following school year. Of course,  _ I _ had by this very wedding… Emmeline rather thought a few months after graduation…”

All of his friends, Regulus thought, and his ex-boyfriend. “I don’t suppose Barty Crouch, Jr.’s in on this betting pool as well?”

Dorcas laughed. “Merlin, no. Could you imagine? He’s always been a bit… batty. And not in a good way.”

“Definitely not,” Max agreed. “But I can’t believe  _ Dirk, _ of all people…”

“So,” Dorcas said, “what should I tell them?”

Max looked to Regulus, and Regulus could see the beginnings of a plan forming in his eyes. Oh, no. This was going to be very bad. And Regulus knew he’d go along with whatever it was, because it was Max and he had a difficult time refusing Max things he  _ didn’t _ want to do. 

Max pushed back Regulus’s hair and looked deeply into Regulus’s eyes – was he about to  _ kiss him?  _ In front of everyone? It wasn’t as if they’d never kissed before – far from it – but never  _ like this, _ and not so publicly.

Regulus felt frozen, transfixed by the look in Max’s eyes that seemed  _ far _ too real to mean that Sirius and Isaac and Emmeline and Dorcas had been  _ wrong, _ all along… that it had been  _ Regulus _ who’d been wrong… when Peter fucking Pettigrew sounded an obnoxiously loud signal and shouted “Time for toasts!”

And just like that, whatever had been between them in that moment was broken, and Max turned back to Dorcas. “I think we need some more time,” he said with a wink. “No offence, Dorcas. I know Isaac’ll be  _ insufferable _ if he wins.”

* * *

_ More time.  _ That had been what Max had said, and it was what Regulus turned over in his head  _ hours _ later, as he lie in bed. Max had been about to kiss him, Regulus was certain of it, when Pettigrew had spoiled everything. And Max hadn’t been wearing the playful expression that he so often wore when it came time to put on a show.

He’d looked entirely serious, and Regulus had half a mind to go knock on his bedroom door and ask him about it.

But then he valued their friendship far too much. Besides, Max had been playfully affectionate for the remainder of the night. It had just been that one moment.

And what would he do if Max said it was just a ploy to rile Dorcas up? (Not that Regulus believed Max capable of such a thing, but Max  _ actually _ wanting to kiss him – with  _ feelings _ and in front of people – after everything was just a  _ bit _ more far-fetched). Laugh it off and explain that, of course, that’s what he’d thought, because they were best mates and best mates didn’t  _ do that _ in front of everyone they knew?

Except they had kissed before, multiple times, and even snogged properly a few times, and it had really only been Regulus agreeing to go on a date with Dirk that had put a stop to that, but they were  _ best mates, _ and Dirk ignoring him stung enough – he couldn’t imagine taking that risk with Max.

(Not that that had stopped Sirius and Remus…)

And even if Max confessed that he had been serious… what would Regulus do then?  _ Date him? _ He had fantastically horrible luck in love, and he still had some issues about sex and shame that he wasn’t quite sure he’d fully worked through, and what if Max wanted to  _ shag him? _

(Not that Regulus  _ didn’t _ want to shag Max, but he’d long learned that fixating on that desire was counterproductive at best. They were best friends. Even if Max  _ did _ want to shag him, fixating on it wouldn’t make it happen.)

And he still had to see Dirk and Evan both at Slug Club meetings, too, and Regulus  _ wasn’t _ his brother; he wasn’t about to sleep through  _ all _ the gay and bi blokes in the Slug Club just because he was lonely. 

(Not that his feelings for Max were caused in any way by loneliness, because it had happened all so slowly that Regulus hadn’t even realised he’d been  _ falling _ for Max until it was too late…)

But he couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if Max  _ had _ kissed him in front of everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as I'm up to my neck in fic assignments for fests and exchanges and lots of other stuff, we're still posting every two weeks for the foreseeable future. I hope to have it back to once a week, but we'll see how long that takes!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regulus turns seventeen.

There was a certain way that seventeenth birthdays were handled among the elite in Pureblood society. It was always a big affair, often with debutant and debutante balls with the best in Pureblood society.

It was never anything Regulus had  _ looked forward _ to as a child; on the contrary, he’d dreaded it.

But back then, he’d known what to expect. 

Now, he really had no idea.

He knew that for Max’s birthday, his parents had taken them both out to dinner – along with Isaac, and Jacob and Shira and their children – and given him a watch that had belonged to his grandfather.

But that was  _ Max’s _ family, and as certain as Regulus was that the Scamanders loved him as family, too, he didn’t think they’d actually buy him a watch.

A week before his birthday, Tina asked him where he wanted to go out for dinner, and who he wanted to invite. “I’m sure you’ll want your brother there, but you can invite as many friends as you’d like.”

“A-and all of you… you want to do that for me?”

“Of course,” Tina said. “Regulus… You know Newt and I think of you as a son.”

He knew that logically. It was obvious in everything they did. They didn’t just think of him as their son’s friend. But to hear Tina say it still surprised him, for some reason.

“Oh,” Regulus managed. “Thank you. I– I think of you and Newt as family, too.” He wasn’t sure that he considered them  _ parents; _ he didn’t think he had a proper conception of what parents were meant to be. But family – absolutely. There was no doubt in his mind that this was what a family was  _ meant _ to feel like.

Tina smiled. “I’m glad. We’re happy to have you here. Now – Sirius and Isaac?”

“Yeah. Yes, er. I’d love it if they both were there.”

“Wonderful. Do you want to invite any other friends?”

Regulus had other friends, sure, but he could think of a million reasons why everyone wouldn’t come. Which, really, might’ve just been his anxiety.

“Can I think about it?” he asked.

“Of course,” Tina said. “Just let me or Newt know.”

* * *

“You  _ have _ to invite Mary,” Max said when Regulus brought it up. “And Lily, too.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “I’m not using my birthday to torture Isaac.”

“Why not? I did.”

Regulus snorted. “Because Isaac’s my friend and I love him, and I don’t want to cause him distress intentionally.”

Max huffed. “All  _ right. _ Fine. You  _ should _ still invite Mary, though. She’s your friend, and I think she’d like to be invited. Besides, she can apparate now, so it’s not as much of a pain in the arse to get here as it would have been last year.”

As much as he doubted Max’s motives, he had to admit: Max had a point. Mary was his friend, and she could come down to England without it being too much of a strain.

“Your parents won’t mind?”

“You  _ must _ be aware by now that money really isn’t an object. Besides, they’ve already met all of  _ my _ friends, but not all of yours.”

The idea that his friends weren’t also Max’s friends was a bit strange, but Max was right again. Gus certainly didn’t consider Max a friend. He didn’t think Mary really did, either. Or Lily.

Did he actually have more friends than Max? How had that happened? Max was the most delightful, charming, and wonderful person Regulus had ever met. By all means, he should have  _ more _ friends than Regulus, not fewer.

But… well, Regulus supposed besides himself and Isaac and Miri… Max could count Emmeline as a friend, but Regulus wasn’t sure who else.

The realisation made him uncomfortable. All this time he’d been terrified of losing Max, when… really, he had many more friends to rely on than Max did.

“Oh,” Regulus said. “All right.”

“I know Miri really isn’t  _ your _ friend, and she  _ will _ drive Isaac mad, so you probably shouldn’t invite her. But you should invite Mary. And Selwyn. And maybe Gallagher – or just tell Selwyn he can bring Gallagher?”

“Maybe” Regulus agreed. “I think I should probably invite Gus. And Mary.”

“Definitely,” Max said.

* * *

The night before his birthday, he stayed up late with Max, talking about books in his bed, where they both fell asleep. 

He woke up to find Max curled up around him.

It wasn’t like that, of course. Max was his best friend. Not his boyfriend. It was just that, since Regulus and Dirk had broken up, Max had slowly gone back to being as affectionate as he always had been.

They used to sleep like this all the time before Regulus got a boyfriend, after all.

It only made sense that they’d fall back into this now that Regulus was single again.

Regulus woke up first, of course. Miraculously, Max slept soundly as Regulus stirred. He looked so peaceful and beautiful in his sleep – Regulus could make out each and every individual freckle and eyelash – that Regulus couldn’t quite believe his luck.

Really, how did Max not have a boyfriend yet? Regulus couldn’t understand it. Max could probably get any bloke in school he wanted; why was he still single?

What would he do when Max inevitably got a boyfriend himself?

He hoped, selfishly, that he didn’t have to deal with that until after he’d sat his N.E.W.T.s at least. Even though he knew that Max deserved someone who loved him.

Max certainly didn’t deserve Regulus hoping  _ against _ him getting a boyfriend. It made Regulus feel like a rotten friend. He knew he’d never hope the same for Isaac or – well, any of his other friends. It was just Max.

Honestly, he didn’t even really think he’d have been thrilled with Max getting a boyfriend while he was dating Dirk. 

The fact of the matter was that Regulus, no matter how much good influence the Scamanders had had, was selfish.

He allowed himself for a moment – just a moment – to imagine what his life would be like if Max were  _ his _ boyfriend. It would never happen, he knew, but he’d never wanted anything more. He was certain he’d never let a day go by without making sure Max knew how loved and wanted he was. 

He thought – but wasn’t entirely certain – that he could maintain healthy boundaries with Max. He’d done so with Dirk, but Max was different. Regulus had always had a hard time saying no to Max.

But then again, he’d never ended up regretting anything he and Max had done.

Eventually, Regulus went to get a shower (and have a wank; he wasn’t about to wank next to Max in his bed. That was one boundary he’d always known better than to cross).

When he came out, Max was still asleep, so Regulus kissed him gently on the forehead. If nothing else, he’d always have these memories of Max to look back on.

He was getting dressed when he heard Max stir.

“Good morning,” he said.

Max rubbed at his eyes. His hair was mussed and  _ Merlin, _ he was so adorable. Regulus really wanted to just spend the entire day in bed with Max, but he knew that would never happen.

“Morning,” Max said. He pushed the sheets off of himself. Regulus couldn’t help but notice that his shirt had ridden up during the night. Max stretched, revealing even more of his stomach.

If Max caught him staring, he didn’t say anything.

“Happy birthday,” Max said after a minute. He stood up, walked over to Regulus, and kissed his cheek. “I’d give you a proper kiss, but I think I need to brush my teeth first.”

Regulus loved him so much. “I appreciate that.”

Max grinned. “Just wait until my teeth are brushed.” 

He popped off to the bathroom without another word. Regulus watched him go, though he’d deny staring to anyone who might ask.

Regulus finished getting dressed and then made his bed. He was just smoothing out the sheets when Max came back.

He didn’t have time to say anything before Max kissed him. “Happy birthday.”

“Thanks,” Regulus said, kissing him again. He could kiss Max forever. He knew he didn’t have  _ forever, _ but surely neither Newt nor Tina would mind if they didn’t come down until lunch.

They didn’t snog often, really. While Max had slowly gone back to giving Regulus little chaste pecks all the time, snogging was – well, it was more involved than all of that. Harder to deny, for one thing.

Speaking of  _ hard… _

Max pulled him down onto the bed and wrapped one of his legs around him. At least Max was hard, too, though Regulus didn’t think he had it in himself to be embarrassed of his own reaction to Max in the moment. Max, at least, seemed to be enjoying this as much as he was.

Max pulled away, and Regulus was peripherally aware of the pathetic whining sound he made, but then… Max kissed his neck. Lightly, as if he wasn’t quite sure what he was doing. Oh.

“Is that –  _ fuck, _ Reg, I’ve no idea what I’m doing.”

He opened his eyes to see Max’s beautiful, impossibly blue eyes staring back at him. He looked – well, he looked nervous. Regulus didn’t have any idea why he should be nervous.

“Do you… do you  _ want _ to do this?” Regulus asked.

Max nodded. “Just – just snog. Not sex. Not yet.”

Not  _ yet? _ Regulus forced himself not to think too much on that. “A-all right, well – I want to snog you, too. A-and I’m fine with – with anything, really. You can touch me anywhere you’d like. Kiss me anywhere you’d like.”

“A-all right,” Max said. He ran his hands down Regulus’s back. This was different, somehow, to how Max had ever touched him before.

Regulus tentatively leaned in and kissed Max’s neck. Max gasped.

It  _ sounded _ like a good gasp, but it never hurt to make sure. “Good?” Regulus asked.

“Brilliant,” Max breathed.

Regulus couldn’t count how many times he’d imagined kissing Max like this – how many times he’d imagined  _ touching _ Max like this – and the reality somehow exceeded his expectations. He didn’t know how the real thing was better than his fantasies, but it was.

He was careful not to leave any marks. He didn’t think Newt or Tina would  _ mind _ if they saw, especially since they clearly had thought for a while that Regulus and Max were having sex. But he  _ would _ probably get (another) sex talk from them, and he knew for a fact that Sirius and Isaac would never let him live it down.

It was safer this way, even if the thought of giving Max a hickey made him even more aroused.

He felt Max bury one of his hands in his hair, and oh  _ Merlin, _ this was better than he ever thought it would be.

He went to unbutton Max’s shirt, but Max pushed his hands away. Regulus pulled back. 

“Let’s take it slow,” Max said.

“All right,” Regulus said; what else could he say?

“I want to,” Max said. “But I just feel like – if I don’t stop you now, I – I’ll just get too caught up in it, and – and I know you’d never push me, or make me feel uncomfortable, but I  _ know _ I wouldn’t be uncomfortable in the moment, but it’s like – the rational part of my brain is right that I… I want to take this slow.”

Wait, was Max actually saying that he thought he’d end up having  _ sex _ with Regulus if he didn’t stop him now? No; surely Regulus was extrapolating.

“I understand,” Regulus said.

“It’s just – when we –  _ if _ we – I just want everything to be perfect. A-and I’m not saying that this isn’t  _ lovely; _ it is! B-but…”

“It’s all right, Max,” Regulus said.

“It’s just – it’s not… I know you probably think it’s stupid, but… when I have sex, I want it to be romantic.”

“I don’t think it’s stupid.” He stroked Max’s hair. He didn’t tell Max he wanted that so badly it ached. He would be sure to have the single most romantic evening Max had ever imagined if he were lucky enough to ever have sex with Max.

“You don’t?”

“Of course not.”

Max didn’t look like he believed him. “But you’ve had sex.”

“Yeah, but I don’t see what that’s got to do with anything.”

Max worried at his lower lip. Regulus wished he could tell him how incredibly sexy that was. “It’s just…” he trailed off.

“What?”

Max took a deep breath, then let it out. “I know being a hopeless romantic is stupid.”

“It’s  _ not _ stupid.” He kissed Max to prove his point. He would be the most romantic person in the world if that’s what Max wanted.

“Sex isn’t really that big of a deal, though, right?” Max asked. 

“I – I wouldn’t say it’s  _ not,” _ Regulus said honestly. “It can be. I think it depends a lot on – on who’s involved. And why they’re having sex.” He kissed Max again.

Max pulled away. “So it  _ is _ a big deal?”

He didn’t understand why Max was being like this; he knew it was evidently something that Max felt self-conscious about, but he couldn’t imagine  _ why. _ “Max, I’m sure  _ whoever _ ends up having sex with you will know just how special  _ you _ are and just how lucky  _ he  _ is.”

The expression on Max’s face was unreadable. Regulus was acutely aware of how close their bodies were to each other. He knew he was unlikely to be that wizard for Max, but that was only because Max deserved the best.

“You know… every couple I was exposed to growing up was  _ disgustingly _ in love. My parents, Jacob and Shira, Isaac’s parents, even the Potters. And I’m sure  _ most _ of them have had sex with other people, just, realistically speaking. But sometimes… sometimes I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who loves me as much as they have.”

“That’s bollocks,” Regulus said immediately.

“What?”

“No one who’s lucky enough to have you fall for him would be stupid enough  _ not _ to fall madly in love with you.”

Max huffed out a little laugh. 

“I’m serious,” Regulus said. “Max, you’re the very best person I know.”

“I’m not,” Max said.

Regulus frowned. “Of course you are; you’re kind and thoughtful and clever and funny and charming and you’d do anything for me or Isaac.”

“I’m selfish,” Max said. “A-and immature, and I’m a hopeless romantic, and I  _ never _ shut up, even though I know everyone finds me terribly annoying. I mean, honestly, how am I meant to have a man fall hopelessly in love with me when everyone finds me unbearably annoying?”

“I don’t find you annoying,” Regulus said. “A-and I don’t think you’re selfish, or immature. And I  _ like _ how much you talk.”

Max blushed a deep red.

Regulus was seized in the moment with the ridiculous urge to tell him how he felt. Max would never be cruel about it. He knew that much. Besides, at the wedding, he’d only said he needed more time. That didn’t sound like a rejection. And he’d had more time, if only a bit more than a week of it.

But he stopped himself.

If he was going to have his heart broken again, his seventeenth birthday really wasn’t the day.

So he said nothing.

“I’m hungry,” Max said. “Aren’t you hungry? We should probably eat breakfast. It’s your birthday, so I bed Dad’ll make whatever you like. Well, except meat, though – maybe if you ask. I dunno. He’d have to go out and buy some, in that case, but…”

And that, it seemed, was that.

Regulus wished he had the nerve to tell Max how he felt.

* * *

Dinner was a strange affair. Mary had a family thing, and apologised profusely in her letter. Max said she was just trying to put off seeing Isaac, though he fortunately did not say this in front of Isaac, who seemed disappointed (to say the least) at Mary’s absence.

Lily wrote that she was still on her honeymoon, which Regulus knew was less of an actual vacation and more likely a break from her training and work at St. Mungos. Sirius, though, evidently had nothing better to do.

Regulus hadn’t invited Dirk, for obvious reasons, but Emmeline came, as did Gus. Nigel sent his regrets, but Regulus really wasn’t crushed there; he’d really mostly invited Nigel because of Gus.

It was strange to be able to apparate directly to the restaurant, but he  _ was _ seventeen now. He was so used to  _ not _ doing magic outside of school now that he wasn’t sure how long it’d take to get used to it again (especially since the Hogwarts Express would leave in just a few days). Max greeted him with a hug, as if they hadn’t just seen each other seconds before.

They walked inside the restaurant together, where all the other Scamanders, as well as Gus and Isaac, were already seated at the table. Emmeline arrived not long after Regulus, though Sirius was late as usual.

It was nice. He knew he’d see his friends all again in a few days, anyway, but he wouldn’t see Sirius for another several months. He knew Sirius wasn’t trying to be an auror (at least he’d denied it when Regulus had asked), but he knew his brother too well to think that he  _ wasn’t  _ involved in the war effort in some way.

It wasn’t until their main courses were cleared and the cake ordered that Sirius passed Regulus a small wrapped package. “It isn’t much,” Sirius said, “but then you’ve never really been one for expensive gifts.”

Regulus unwrapped the package to find a watch. It looked familiar, but he didn’t place it immediately.

“It was Uncle Alphard’s,” Sirius said. “I was going to keep it originally and then you’d get a new one, but Euphemia and Fleamont surprised me with one of  _ their _ family heirlooms, so I thought – you were always closer to him than I was, anyway.”

It was evident from a glance at Newt and Tina that Sirius had discussed them with this beforehand. Despite his evident nonchalance on the matter, Sirius cared.

Regulus felt touched. “Thank you.”

As he put the watch on, Sirius shrugged. “Like I said: you were closer to him. It just made sense.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! As I predicted on tumblr, I've been swamped by events (chocolate box, purimgifts, and remus lupin fest, mainly), and they've had us on overtime at work for the past two weeks, so I've really not had much time.  
> That said, the survey responses are still not up on my tumblr just yet, but expect that with the next update!

**Author's Note:**

> come visit me on [tumblr](https://xslytherclawx.tumblr.com/) | [character guide](https://xslytherclawx.tumblr.com/chars) | [which ravenclaw au character are you?](https://uquiz.com/RUfDZj)
> 
> * * *
> 
> Please feel free to join my [discord server](https://discord.gg/yb6bS3c)! It’s a general Harry Potter server, but I also thought it’d be nice to have a place to discuss Ravenclaw AU with y’all as well!


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